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Perfect Partners

They might have brought home the Sandown 500 trophy as co-drivers last week but just how well do J-Dub and PD really know each other?

With a lie detector, countless electrical wires, a truth serum and a guy Robert De Niro-lookalike playing Jack Byrnes in Meet the Fockers, we thought we’d find out – the hard way.

“Grease fittings have nipples, Jamie. Can you milk them?”

Well, you guys get the drift…

J-Dub: This could be dangerous.

Jack Byrnes: We’ll start with something easy, Fockers. What are each other’s middle names?

J-Dub: Ahhh, I think I got this – and it’s a hard one. But Laiklin is it?

JB: Correct.

J-Dub: Boom! Now where the hell does that come from and why do I even know that?

PD: It’s a long story. My great grandfather was fighting in the war – in the trenches. And his best mate was named Laiklin. They were about to jump out of the trenches into fire and Laiklin pulled my grandfather back and took a bullet for him. He was shot and killed. So all the Dumbrell males have the middle name Laiklin.

JB: That’s a touching story, Paul. By the look of your friend here I can’t imagine he’ll be able to match that. What is it, Whincup? Something silly like Roland or Dane I bet…

PD: Haha. I wish! I’ve got no idea. I’ll have to guess. Haha. Is it… Robert?

JB: Not even close, Derek. It’s David. Some friend you are…

J-Dub: It’s actually my dad’s name. He was named after his father and so forth. Maybe my son will have my name – if I’m cool enough and not in jail. Haha.

JB: I stand corrected. This Whincup fellow is all right after all. Make that 2-nil, Dumbrell. Right. Next question. You two spend more time together than a married couple – what is each other’s favourite food? And it’d better not be quinoa, you hipster freaks…

J-Dub: Haha. What? He loves his Italian and it’d have to be pasta. No.1.

PD: Yours is the same! Hold on, there is something. He loves bacon and eggs with that black sausage thing – black pudding! Yeah, that’s it! With the ox blood and all.

JB: You disgust me, Whincup. Next question. What high school did each of you attend? And how many grades did you repeat, poindexters? Seven?

J-Dub: Is this kind of intimidation even allowed? Someone? Anyone? Well, PD went to Xavier College as he’s told everyone I’m sure 1,000 times. I know that because he likes to drive me past it and tell me how popular and successful he was. We used to wave to it and a few eggs might have left our hands as we were waving…

PD: Haha. And Jamie was Eltham College. There was a similar story there. Let’s just say there was a good flagpole there… I used to pick Jamie up from school.

JB: If anything it seems like you two sickos have been spending too much time with one another. Is there anything you don’t share with each other?

The room echoes with silence.

JB: Well, which one of you numbskulls was the teacher’s pet?

J-Dub: Haha. PD for sure! I wasn’t hard to beat. I didn’t quite make it to Year 12. I called it quits in Year 11 – that was as far as I could go. I wasn’t an endurance academic, that’s for sure. PD and Will Davison were actually a year ahead of me and there was no way I could stay at school with those two out racing.

PD: Let’s just say we supported the decision.

J-Dub: I begged my father to let me work in 2001 to keep us as a team.

JB: Is that right, bosom buddies? How exactly did the two of you meet? How far does this bromance date back?

J-Dub: How did we meet… (giggle). Do you remember, honey? Haha.

JB: Enough with the funny stuff, wise-arse. Well?

PD: It was definitely go-karting. You probably crashed in to me or something…

J-Dub: Or a party at Davo’s…

PD: Nah, it was actually a party at yours and I went with Davo. That’s it! Remember those crazy parties you used to have?

JB: Yeah, just crazy I bet… More likely tea parties with you two.

J-Dub: Haha. Will and PD used to go to school together – and I think we know which one paid more attention if you get my drift. Haha. Will and PD were friends from school and Will and I were friends from go-karting.

JB: Sounds like someone in this threesome might have cause to be upset…

J-Dub: No comment…

PD: You’d have to ask Will that one… I’m sure if he was a part-time driver he’d drive with Jamie but I don’t know how much he’d enjoy only doing a few races a year.

J-Dub: And keep in mind PD and Davo drove together in the same team. So it’s only fair PD has a turn in our garage.

JB: This one’s for you, Mr CEO. Name Jamie’s V8 Supercars debut and first race win.

PD: Easy. His first win was Clipsal 500 in the Betta Electrical car in 2006 and his debut would have been, full-time, 2004… at GRM. No, 2003!

J-Dub: That was actually pretty good! My first race was end of 2002 but first full-time was in 2003. And PDs debut would have to be with John Faulkner in 2002?

PD: Nup.

J-Dub: 2001?

PD: Keep going.

J-Dub: 2000 and… no! 1999. Wow! It was too. He was the youngest ever debutant I think…

PD: Yep. I was 16. I didn’t even have my P-Plates at the time. I was on my Ls! That was a long time to go.

J-Dub: Wasn’t that the same year you had that massive shunt in the NASCAR at the grand prix…

PD: Yep, it was. And you can stop laughing about it. I was urinating a bit of blood that day. I ended up in hospital!

J-Dub: I think he got his first podium that same year in Tassie but first race win wasn’t until Sandown actually, in 2010.

JB: Correct. This is actually weirding me out a little bit, fellas…

PD: Haha. Here’s an interesting fact. Before that win I was two races away from John Faulkner’s record of most starts without a podium! It was 150-odd races or something. I actually beat Jamie for that win!

J-Dub: Haha. I was actually up the road and somehow ended up with a full tank of fuel – which wasn’t necessary. But it was a good battle.

JB: OK, OK. I’d be jealous, too if I was Davo… Let’s wrap it up. If you’ve been mates since high school when was the first time you drove together in a race?

J-Dub: Last year was actually our first time believe it or not.

PD: We actually almost got paired up at Larry Perkins in 2004. But it didn’t eventuate and Jamie drove with Alex Davison I think.

J-Dub: Yeah, well, Tony Longhurst shafted me for that drive. PD had a good car back then and we were fighting to get into a good car. But I ended up in a danga.

JB: Ya breakin’ my heart here, Whincup. Not. Last one. Where do you see each other in 15 years’ time?

J-Dub: PD will be controlling the world. Move over, Abbott. His hat doesn’t say CEO for no reason.

PD: Haha. I don’t know about that. Hopefully in 15 years’ time we’re sitting on a beach somewhere talking about the good old times. Nah, we’ll be having some fun. Probably working on our golf game maybe.

J-Dub: Hopefully we’ll be in Hawthorn, at this little bar Nevermind listening to old mate playing acoustic. Even when we were 18 we used to go there and it was gold. He was X-Factor material that guy. He was the Reece Mastin of his day! Haha.

JB: Enough said, pansies. You might have passed the test but you’ve broken at least three of The Enforcer’s laws in the process. Nah, good luck to yas, lads. Bring on Bathurst.